Struggles with…..
I have always wanted to lead a pure life. I don't want to make mistakes. I don't want to purposively hurt people. Preferentially and by deep inclination I always choose to avoid conflicts: be they personal, communal, national and international. Though I am not a pacifist, as I believe if my State wanted me to serve, I would. It is a price of citizenship.
I am not good however. That much my dear readers will know. I have mistakes manifold in the yellowing vellum of my biography. I have noted that on occasion in this SubStack often times before. I suppose it is never truly that far from my inner dialogue.
For example I am all too willing to actively participate in the immediacy of heated arguments and verbal attacks that are part and parcel of most of our lives. From the puerile school yard to the often unhinged world of our social media. I can engage in the impulsive talk and conversations without recourse to reason, experience or facts. Though I prefer, on reflection, not to do so. Holding ones tongue is a disciplined choice. As has been stated many times (though I think its source is to be found in the Book of Proverbs Ch 17)
Better to hold your tongue and have people think your a fool;
Than speak and remove all doubt.
However academically I need time to digest and formulate responses. If I read a piece of history or philosophy it is in weeks and possibly months that I am feeling confident in my digestion of it to elaborate. Which meant that although I loved University and undergraduate life, it felt like a whirring of mental meals that I sampled in those years. One after the other in quick succession. Then regurgitated for my own little chicks, which were essays, before I flew quickly to the next lecture as it were. To quick for my mental digestion: but I did succeed in doing it.
Yet daily life is not a rarified academic situation. If I can walk away from a situation, I will. My greatest failing, it seems to me, is the inability to think through situations and act rationally when I am in them! Not sure if this is a common trait amongst folk?
I am impulsive. I have paid far to much attention to feelings and impulses and instinct in my life rather than seeking balance: for I am not just a body. I am more. I am soul and also the breath of Deity carried on the winds. This I am utterly persuaded by.
Of course, I have failed to live up-to my own hopes for myself since childhood. Yet with each failure has come opportunity to learn. To evaluate. To plan to be more than I have revealed or realised about myself so far.
Alcohol
Interestingly throughout my teens and twenties I did not consume alcohol. With the exception of an occasional glass of wine with food. Spirits and Beer passed me by. I found that lager, that apparently was made for me and my ilk, was insipid and quite frankly nasty tasting.
Until I was about 30. Then on a Sunny afternoon in Tenterden, after a steam train journey with Ingrid I recall, we stopped at an old English pub named the William Caxton. A fine name. In that pub, run by the Kentish Brewers Shepheard Neame, was a Spring Ale called Early Bird. What struck me was the aroma of hops. The sweet tasting bitterness of a traditional English Ale. I have never looked back! I like that style of Beer.
Yet with such produce comes dangers to over indulge. To let ones impulses and appetites control you. This is the challenge: moderation in all things.
Tobacco
I detest cigarettes. Never smoked or developed that habit. Again, however, I used to like the odd cigar as a young man. When my Father passed away, I was curious to try smoking a pipe, like he had. Of course, that habit shortened his life and killed him. So it was in retrospect a bazaar desire on my part. I think the Psychologists amongst you will be drawing your own conclusions about that already.
Ever since I smoke a pipe on occasion. Though I find it of little reward actually. It is something that even the occasional pipe seems disappointing to me now. I am more than a body, but still need to accept responsiblity how I treat it.
Pornography
With the advent of the internet the availability of pornography was transformed. Instead of being on a restricted shelf in a Newsagents or Magazine shop as it was and I never used as a young man: it is now 24/7/365 in your home at the flick of a mouse button or the scroll of the wheel.
The happiest times of my life are when it is not sought or used. That is a fact of my life. Pornography is regressive, sad, and ultimately unfulfilling and I have to say, abusive of both men and women.
Instead of being a passive observer, uncritical, just being in the moment, thinking it is amoral, even healthy ( as I have heard people say on TV and Radio and phone ins and perhaps I used to again just think without due thought and care). I have come to reject it completely. It is a distraction. It is polluting of our minds and hopes and aspirations.
Learning to avoid it, because it is insidious online, has been my solution. Ongoing task. Again, I am more than a body and that body needs looking after; that includes the seeds you cultivate in your mind. Images for men are important. Choose images that reflect who you are. Not what some pornographer wants you to think you are. Take control. Do weeding. Or be over run if you persist.
I feel shocked that I do not hear more people discuss the spirituality, the connection of more than bodies, in sexual relationships. This absence is being exploited by that industry that is predicated solely on keeping you thinking you are just a body.
Do I feel shame in raising and admitting my failures in this? Yes. Nevertheless I have a responsibility to challenge it based on my own growing understanding and tell you readers there are alternative ways of living lives that bring happiness to your spirit, soul, and body.
Social Media and the News
As a humanities man, I loved the news, the political discourses. I have been involved as a consumer of this for most of my life. As I wrote last year however, this has fallen away from my life as well. I still do listen, engage in the discourse. It is just not all that important to me anymore. Am I just getting old and cynical? Yes, there is a truth to that observation.
It is interesting to me to note here that much of our public discourse in the UK in particular is about rejoicing in peoples failures. Our diet of news is too often about both personal failures and in public arena everything about your life is forensically examined. Perhaps there is a need for society, democracy, to do this.
Too often its salacious or sensationalist or censorious in character and content however. Provoking a response from viewers and readers as apposed to illumining us. I dont want perfect politicians or commentators or public servants or even teachers. I do want those who think for themselves; own mistakes; choose differently; seek integrity, even if their past is murky. Today is the day to be defined. Not yesterday.
I believe in humanity. Our ability to change and adapt and learn by mistakes. To give each other chances. As many as it takes, to get things better and perhaps even right in our lives.
Have a good week everyone!
Yours,
Syre Byrd